I was browsing through the White House's recently-released "Strategy for Victory in Iraq", a document refreshing in its clarity. A few years back I saw a copy of the White House's "Strategy for Victory in Chess", which read:

We intend to win by:

• Gaining control of the center of the board.
• Maintaining an advantage in number of opponent's pieces taken.
• Capturing the king.

But even in moist pablum like this, there's some good grist. Occasionally even our paranoid national security apparatus screws up and lets a secret of Teutonic proportions slip out. Check out THIS gem!

The terrorists regard Iraq as the central front in their war against humanity.

That's right! Al-Qaeda is not JUST composed of evil Mohammedans, it's composed of evil, non-human Mohammedans! It's clear that once again this administration is privy to information that they don't deign to share with the rest of us.

Fortunately, clever detective work can compensate. Although we don't know exactly what sort of villainous non-humans al-Qaeda may be, we know they must fall in one of the following categories^*:

• Aliens from another planet/dimension
• Mole people
• Demons
• Robots

Each one of these has valid evidence to show for it. For example, we know that al-Qaeda is adept at hiding out in tunnels, which they used to escape the U.S. Marines in Tora Bora, Afghanistan. This, combined with their pinched features and propensity towards long whiskers lends credence to the idea that al-Qaeda is, in fact, an organization of mole peoples.

Classically, mole peoples have not waged war against the human race except to redress some grievance, usually involving a disturbance of their subterranean realm. In Superman vs. the Mole Men, an especially deep oil well was responsible. However, since we haven't heard any complaints about underground nuclear testing, twenty-gigaton drills or a tunnel through the earth's crust in any of the speeches made by al-Qaeda leadership, we ought to look at other theories.

Aliens from another planet has a lot going for it. There have been numerous instances of attempted alien takeovers in the past, usually thwarted by a plucky gang of Americans, sometimes with the aid of a Macintosh. Aliens are also fond of trying to disguise themselves as normal earthlings and make use of mind-control.

A typical feature of alien invasions is the use of advanced technology. Aliens have many devices that we have not invented yet, like hyperdrive, heat rays and flying saucers. They may also make use of bio-warfare. In the documentary "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers" by Haim Saban (which I viewed as part of my research), the alien queen Rita Repulsa sends giant monsters down to destroy the city of Angel Grove (I couldn't find this on my map - can anyone help?). Fortunately in this case they were defeated by the superior technology and kung-fu of a plucky, ethnically-balanced gang of Americans. I have ordered a copy of one of their lycra suits in case I need to take part in an alien-monster resistance movement in the future.

It does not appear that al-Qaeda has made use of any advanced technology, preferring to use explosions and box-cutters. It's possible that they are only the vanguard of an alien force, sent to test our weaknesses before the arrival of a much larger space armada. We should leave open this possibility. I am honing my space-fighter skills in anticipation of such an eventuality by playing "Galaga" instead of working, according to the recommendations of the documentary "The Last Starfighter".

Although I have suggested "robot" as a possibility above, I do not believe this is correct. I have listened to audio from Osama bin Laden's speeches, and unlike a robot, he does NOT speak in a monotone. Also, as far as I can tell, he does not have glowing red eyes or a radio antenna protruding from his head, although these may have been digitally edited from the video and/or hidden by his head-dress.

This leaves the most likely possibility, demons. This agrees with other details that the White House has let slip, e.g., the fact that George Bush was charged with this mission by God, or the direct admission by General William Boykin that the war on terrorism was a battle against Satan. Also, in the documentary "South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut", we see that there was in the past an alliance between Saddam Hussein and Satan. I believe this is the unspecified evidence that Dick Cheney referred to when he assured us that Saddam and al-Qaeda were working in cahoots. Hopefully our government will be more forthright about this in the future.

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^* I am aware that this list ignores the possibility of intersections between these categories, for example alien mole people or demon robots from another dimension. However, due to limited resources I was unable to consider these intersections in my research.