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Rhinocrisy
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12 August, 2006
Our ship has arrived
Apparently, someone decided to list us as a "Blog of Note" on the blogger.com front page. Undoubtedly this brief window of fame* will result in a meteoric rise, culminating in my being deluged by attractive women and buried alive in a mountain of money and precious jewels. Please send shovels.
In accordance with this elevation in status, we will immediately begin to implement the points of our ten-point program, which are as follows:
Some of these goals may seem controversial† However, we are confident that with enough good faith and the judicious application of suitable hallucinogenic compounds, you will come to agree with all of our positions. We've already printed up the t-shirts.
* I'm told I can expect this to last somewhere around fifteen minutes.
† We have considered the possible catastrophic effects of panda extinction in a number of detailed scenarios. However, a small intrepid team could be sent back in time to Qin Dynasty-era China to save the species from total annihilation. We've already started our calculations for time warp.
In accordance with this elevation in status, we will immediately begin to implement the points of our ten-point program, which are as follows:
- A federal Civilian Caprice Corps will be created to encourage the growth of spontaneity, eccentricity and public exhibitionism; corps members will patrol the streets undercover and reward exemplary spontaneous behavior with a shower of chocolate coins.
- To Adam Peacock: I forgive you and your gang of cronies for teasing me in the third grade. You can keep your thumbs.
- Our first major economics reform will be the imposition of the tyranny of the International Organisation for Standardization (ISO). This will apply at all levels: hot dog buns and hot dogs must both be packaged in compatible multiples; all laptops, cell phones, electric razors and other portable electronic devices will employ common plug interfaces; cameras, etc., will agree on a single freaking memory card format. To avoid confusion due to the newfound prominence of the ISO, the International Socialist Organisation will be disbanded. Sorry, college Marxists.
- Federal dollars currently spent on nuclear stockpile maintenance will be diverted to a National Boondoggle Fund, which will require the construction of a city-wide jungley-gym, kite the size of a ten-story office building, giant mechanical rhinoceros or other frivolous item in every major metropolis in America. This will be a waste of money, but at least it won't be wasted on the means to destroy the planet.
- To discourage currency speculation, the dollar will be de-floated and fixed against a standard again. This action will be tied to our conservation program by backing the dollar with infant pandas, ensuring that even in the event of a panda-rush and rapid devaluation, no one will be too upset.
- "Local news" programs that report on the travails of neighborhood pets and how the corner drug store is "fleecing America" will be replaced with international news, so Americans know what countries they are bombing and can identify them on a map.
- All politicians will be shot, or at the very least severely reprimanded.
- Foreign aid will be directed towards actual progressive development goals, as opposed to bolstering our favorite gangsters or promoting trade partnerships with American businesses.
- People will actually be made to learn something about how to build democratic institutions in this so-called democracy, starting with civics classes in elementary schools.
- "Mild" and "Medium" salsas will no longer be sold. If you can't take the heat, eat some rice cakes instead.
Some of these goals may seem controversial† However, we are confident that with enough good faith and the judicious application of suitable hallucinogenic compounds, you will come to agree with all of our positions. We've already printed up the t-shirts.
* I'm told I can expect this to last somewhere around fifteen minutes.
† We have considered the possible catastrophic effects of panda extinction in a number of detailed scenarios. However, a small intrepid team could be sent back in time to Qin Dynasty-era China to save the species from total annihilation. We've already started our calculations for time warp.
Comments
Indeed a blog of note....nice template...designed it yourself?
And good posts..keep up the good work..
Posted by Varsha
And good posts..keep up the good work..
Posted by Varsha
re: Democratic institutions through civics classes -- how about democratic elementary schools?
re the ISO: we need to standardize TLAs while we're at it. I'm all for giving the standards organization the rights to those letters, even though the earlier ISO did once make me a cup of coffee and teach me a bit about the history of abortion. You know, beyond the incompatibility of Schick and Gillette razor blades -- and don't get me started on inkjet cartridges -- there is also no universal standard size for pallets and shipping containers. I love the persistence of folk tradition, even if it's a pain for, say, some cannery managers.
Posted by hedgehog
re the ISO: we need to standardize TLAs while we're at it. I'm all for giving the standards organization the rights to those letters, even though the earlier ISO did once make me a cup of coffee and teach me a bit about the history of abortion. You know, beyond the incompatibility of Schick and Gillette razor blades -- and don't get me started on inkjet cartridges -- there is also no universal standard size for pallets and shipping containers. I love the persistence of folk tradition, even if it's a pain for, say, some cannery managers.
Posted by hedgehog
what if i want the taste of salsa without the heat. what if i am already eating rice cakes?
Posted by longislandlisa
Posted by longislandlisa
indeed, being a "blog of note" affords you the prurient gaze of casual passers-by, such as myself.
if you're ever looking for a dispenser of hallucinogenic compounds in your trail-blazing through america, give me a bell.
by the way, why not -- rather than force americans to watch it on television -- enforce conscription into the international red cross so they can see what countries they've bombed first-hand, and help clean up?
Posted by benjamin kritikos
if you're ever looking for a dispenser of hallucinogenic compounds in your trail-blazing through america, give me a bell.
by the way, why not -- rather than force americans to watch it on television -- enforce conscription into the international red cross so they can see what countries they've bombed first-hand, and help clean up?
Posted by benjamin kritikos
Ha, agreed, more civics classes, problem is you gotta get people like you folks to teach them, not the hippy woman who taught us history in high school - grades matter damn it!
I eat the extra two buns with jam. I assumed that's why they did it - like a second course.
Please don't get rid of medium salsas... I don't like rice cakes.
Nice blog.
Posted by gbathree
I eat the extra two buns with jam. I assumed that's why they did it - like a second course.
Please don't get rid of medium salsas... I don't like rice cakes.
Nice blog.
Posted by gbathree
satire sprinkled (chocolate, or, brown ) with packaging concerns and hypothetical mechanized beasts is beyond pleasing... it's rapturous.
Posted by blossom
Posted by blossom
Re: Having international news instead of "the world's fattest cat!"-type new stuff.
I've always thought the Ambrose Bierce quote: 'War is God's way of teaching Americans geography' summed it up nicely.
Don't let the grudge from third grade evaporate so readily. Some thumbs just need to be removed from cretinous louts.
Posted by Fatman
I've always thought the Ambrose Bierce quote: 'War is God's way of teaching Americans geography' summed it up nicely.
Don't let the grudge from third grade evaporate so readily. Some thumbs just need to be removed from cretinous louts.
Posted by Fatman
wait. . wait. . let me gather my guts. . auugh you guys blow my mind!! baby pandas forsooth! send me a tshirtÂ
Posted by gooseberry
Posted by gooseberry
Blogger's practice of spotlighting certain blogs has turned me on to some fantastic blogs, including one of my favorites, Tristram Shandy (after the novel by laurence sterne). yours is great, too
Posted by tg
Posted by tg
