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Rhinocrisy
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12 September, 2006
I, bridegroom.
Recently I proposed marriage to one Mist 1, recent commenter 'round these parts and proprietress of a fine blurng; I urge you to appreciate her scintillating wit by perusing her archives. Post-haste!
I'm happy to report that she has proven amenable to my proposal.
Of course, this means putting an end to my bachelor lifestyle, e.g., moving out of my parents' basement. Fortunately I'm ahead of the game in that department by at least several weeks. I'll also probably have to start folding my laundry and regularly trimming my toe-nails. Most importantly, however, Western societies apparently require the purchase of some sort of gem-encrusted band as a symbol of my ownership.* In light of my impending graduation, I therefore require your assistance in securing employment. To help you out, here's a list of my skills and finer qualities:
The next question is, how should I break this to my parents, who I'm fairly sure have already lined me up with a nice girl from a Kayastha family living in Kanpur.
* Some of you may be wondering how I might reconcile this with my rabid dislike for the diamond industry, but you've obviously never been in love.
† E.g.:
Fuzzy gray mammal
Trod where others dared not go.
What's that strange red stain?
I'm happy to report that she has proven amenable to my proposal.
Of course, this means putting an end to my bachelor lifestyle, e.g., moving out of my parents' basement. Fortunately I'm ahead of the game in that department by at least several weeks. I'll also probably have to start folding my laundry and regularly trimming my toe-nails. Most importantly, however, Western societies apparently require the purchase of some sort of gem-encrusted band as a symbol of my ownership.* In light of my impending graduation, I therefore require your assistance in securing employment. To help you out, here's a list of my skills and finer qualities:
- I can sew.
- I own my own copy of Tim Burton's "Batman" (1990) and can quote most of it if need be.
- I can bend over backwards and touch the ground with both hands from a standing position.
- I can eat more than anyone I know.
- I know kung fu.
- I can compose haiku.†
The next question is, how should I break this to my parents, who I'm fairly sure have already lined me up with a nice girl from a Kayastha family living in Kanpur.
* Some of you may be wondering how I might reconcile this with my rabid dislike for the diamond industry, but you've obviously never been in love.
† E.g.:
Fuzzy gray mammal
Trod where others dared not go.
What's that strange red stain?
Comments
I too, am fond of the haiku. I knew there was something special about you. Here is one fitting for this situation...
Blogger proposal
So readily accepted
Maybe I'm ugly
Will email photos...
Also, please note that I will be keeping the number 1 as my last name.
Posted by Mist1
Blogger proposal
So readily accepted
Maybe I'm ugly
Will email photos...
Also, please note that I will be keeping the number 1 as my last name.
Posted by Mist1
Will you be getting married in the church of the flying spaghetti monster?
In any case, #3 and #5 should come in handy if you "choose" a career in sex work.
Posted by saurav
In any case, #3 and #5 should come in handy if you "choose" a career in sex work.
Posted by saurav
#5? You must have a freaky sex life. I'm not into that rough stuff. Light bondage and not-all-that-painful whipping is more my cup of tea - keep the 'D' out of B&D and the 'S' out of S&M.
Posted by saurabh
Posted by saurabh
Ahem.
As your older sister, I must object strenuously to this arrangment. What is wrong with this girl that you have not seen fit to introduce her to your family? What do we know about her? What is her family background? Can she make round, fluffy rotis? Most importantly, does she have less melanin in her skin than an agoraphobic albino?
The next question is, how should I break this to my parents, who I'm fairly sure have already lined me up with a nice girl from a Kayastha family living in Kanpur.
I wouldn't let them set you up with a girl from Kanpur. Remember what happened to me when I got set up with a guy from Kanpur? I never got to see the banyan tree! You just can't trust those Kanpurians!
Posted by DearDarlingDidi
As your older sister, I must object strenuously to this arrangment. What is wrong with this girl that you have not seen fit to introduce her to your family? What do we know about her? What is her family background? Can she make round, fluffy rotis? Most importantly, does she have less melanin in her skin than an agoraphobic albino?
The next question is, how should I break this to my parents, who I'm fairly sure have already lined me up with a nice girl from a Kayastha family living in Kanpur.
I wouldn't let them set you up with a girl from Kanpur. Remember what happened to me when I got set up with a guy from Kanpur? I never got to see the banyan tree! You just can't trust those Kanpurians!
Posted by DearDarlingDidi
Respectfully,
As for the melanin, I prefer to be compared to coffee with cream. Or CoffeeMate if you prefer, as I do.
As for the rotis, I do enjoy a good roti. I however, cannot manage to boil water without an injury. We will have to hire a servant or a monkey to prepare our meals.
As for the Kanpurians, I can assure you that I am not from Kanpur. I cannot even place it on a map. Is it close to Alabama?
Posted by Mist1
As for the melanin, I prefer to be compared to coffee with cream. Or CoffeeMate if you prefer, as I do.
As for the rotis, I do enjoy a good roti. I however, cannot manage to boil water without an injury. We will have to hire a servant or a monkey to prepare our meals.
As for the Kanpurians, I can assure you that I am not from Kanpur. I cannot even place it on a map. Is it close to Alabama?
Posted by Mist1
Sorry. I'm sure you're a lovely person, but "coffee with cream" just isn't good enough. Just cream (no coffee) is the ideal complexion for a proper bahu . That's really much more important than the roti thing. Or the is-she-a-good-person thing.
Of course, if Saurabh likes you, then maybe you can ask Michael Jackson how he lightened his skin.
Posted by DearDarlingDidi
Of course, if Saurabh likes you, then maybe you can ask Michael Jackson how he lightened his skin.
Posted by DearDarlingDidi
Congratulations!!! Can I come to the wedding? Can I play with the pet snake? I like lizards better, but snakes are cool.
I never got to see the banyan tree!
DearDarlingDidiOfSaurabh!! You should just come visit us Kayasthas in Kolkata. We have plenty of Banyan trees lying about. I think we even have some here in Kalifornia.
Wait a minute. I thought only Bengalis had Kayasthas still? Are Kanpur Kayasthas from Kannauj? Wow, I think they are . We're probably cousins!!! You have to invite me to the wedding now.
Posted by Saheli
I never got to see the banyan tree!
DearDarlingDidiOfSaurabh!! You should just come visit us Kayasthas in Kolkata. We have plenty of Banyan trees lying about. I think we even have some here in Kalifornia.
Wait a minute. I thought only Bengalis had Kayasthas still? Are Kanpur Kayasthas from Kannauj? Wow, I think they are . We're probably cousins!!! You have to invite me to the wedding now.
Posted by Saheli
#5? You must have a freaky sex life. I'm not into that rough stuff. Light bondage and not-all-that-painful whipping is more my cup of tea - keep the 'D' out of B&D and the 'S' out of S&M.
Well, as delighted as I am that I managed to provoke this much lurid detail, I have to admit that I wasn't referring to the sex part there as much as the work. A little self defense training does a sex worker good.
Posted by saurav
Well, as delighted as I am that I managed to provoke this much lurid detail, I have to admit that I wasn't referring to the sex part there as much as the work. A little self defense training does a sex worker good.
Posted by saurav
